I‘ve recently been dating a lot. And having just turned 40, I can tell you the experience I’m having now is nowhere near as horrific as dating in my 20s or 30s. It’s a lot of fun. I’d damn near say it’s probably the best time in my life thus far.
I’m meeting wonderful people, listening to their stories, and enjoying the connections. I am sifting through and discerning what I’m drawn to with each date — seeing the humanity in every person and holding space to be present. To listen, to see, to experience, to have fun, to connect without any expectations, because I choose to have none. To respect and accept where someone is rather than try to change them and to recognize I always have the freedom to change my mind, as do they.
I’m also having the most incredibly exciting, mind-blowing sex! And for someone from a strict religious background, where talk of sex was “taboo” and “off the table,” I know many of you can understand what a feat it is to write about it publicly.
Writing this article has never made me feel more like Carrie from “Sex and the City.” Maybe the original archetypes for women are starting to come into power — independent, successful, wealthy, intelligent, sexy, and adventuresome. Didn’t we all feel some resonance with each of these characters at some point in our lives?
It feels very much like the dating life I’m living now.
Neediness vs. Self-Worth
In my 40s, through many radical changes, I have created a life where I am independent and capable of providing for and caring for myself. In that experience, I no longer bring “need-based” energy into a relationship. Think about “needy” energy and how our instinct is to resist or repel, primarily as that energy builds over time.
The resistance tells us that when we exist in “need-based” energy, we live in misalignment with our authentic selves. We think: “Why don’t I have that special someone? Once I find that one person, then I’ll be happy. I can’t do it on my own. I need someone to survive this life, so I’ll be anything they need me to be. I’m nothing without my person.”
These are examples of “need-based” belief systems. When we exist in these beliefs, we are pushing people away, which creates the experience of disconnection in our relationships.
Before you write me off, envision how this works:
The Best Thing We Can Do This Holiday Seasons Is to Take Care of Ourselves First
When we focus on self-care, we become the priority. And you say, “No, that’s selfish.” And I’ll respond: “How is it selfish to do something that allows you to show up for yourself AND the people you love in the absolute best way possible? Needs are being met, well cared for, and well-loved because you gave it to yourself whenever needed. How is it selfish to recognize and honor a personal need for yourself?” It’s not selfish. It’s powerful.
The greatest gift you can give this holiday season is your desire to be present as your authentic self rather than run-down and in an anxious panic because the tree is a little crooked or the gifts aren’t all wrapped in time.
Whenever I catch myself in that old “needy” energy, I try to find a way to meet my needs.
For example, I used to think I needed someone to go out and enjoy a fancy dinner. Now, if I want a nice meal, I dress up, take my favorite book, and order anything I want on the menu. Why? Because I didn’t have to agree with anyone else to get it and enjoy the moment.
And almost always, something magical happens, like I meet the right people at the perfect time in my life. They are drawn to me because I am at my best.
When we prioritize our self-care, conserve our energy, and practice our ability to be present, we show up in love rather than from obligation.
Think about how different it feels to hear: I “need” you versus I “want” you.
Which words carry more energy and life when you think about hearing it from someone you love? So why not create a life that allows you to show up that way?
Meeting our needs takes the pressure off the other person and keeps us from compromising our authentic selves. It allows us to make decisions that feel good rather than changing who we are so our partner feels better.
They may feel better, but where does that leave you — feeling misaligned, at best, and incredibly disconnected from them and your own life at worst?
If the “Barbie” movie (if you haven’t seen it, I highly recommend it) taught us anything, it is knowing our worth, finding our voice, and standing in our power reminding us of who we are as magical creators and powerful beings.
Remove the “need” energy by meeting your own needs, and you can live the life you desire and choose.
It’s about time you remember how powerful you are and that the greatest gift you can give this holiday season is the most authentic you!
