When an old friend says, ‘you haven’t changed,’ it’s an invitation to reflect on who you’ve become and what still matters most
The scenario is the same for most of us when catching up with old friends. A friend whom we haven’t seen in a few years wants to meet us at a restaurant. We have a shared history spanning decades, so we’re excited to update our on-going narratives. As soon as we are seated and drinks ordered, we are right back in sync as we once were in our 20s, 30s, 40s, and so on.
Recently, I met such a friend to catch up on our children and grandchildren—pictures and quips including an 11-year-old grandchild who does not want to “date” a 6th grade classmate interested in her because she has already met her soul mate for life. We also shared the varied interests of a 9-year-old grandchild who can relate every bit of gossip about Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce, illustrating our grateful distance from the world of celebrity social media.
Finally, we dug deep into the ups-and-downs of previous co-workers, the day-by-day routines we follow, the trips abroad in the near future, and the changing realities of the cultural and political landscapes that still hold us hostage. Upcoming elections will always challenge our decision-making abilities, no matter how experienced we may be to deal with them.
She caught me up short, however, when she stated: “You haven’t changed a bit.” I knew she meant that if any of our old friends saw me passing by on the street, they would at least recognize me. I thought to myself, “Yep, I’m no taller than I once was,” but the next day I thought about her statement in a different context.
Sure, I’m no longer the 21-year-old who never thought about life’s limitations or the 30-year-old who was a bit wiser but still was pushing forward to live the American Dream. But who am I now, that I want others to recognize? What changes have occurred over time in me and for me, knowingly or unknowingly? The truth is, we all change over time—but the real question when catching up with old friends after years apart isn’t whether we’ve changed, it’s whether we’ve grown into the person we want to be. What are the essential thoughts that you and I both may have about ourselves, grounding us or forcing us to redefine ourselves? Time to take inventory.
Seven essential questions to ask yourself when taking personal inventory
- Do our core beliefs still mean something? You know, our mom’s little voice is still renting a room in our head about being true to ourselves and to others. We no longer need to fake it until we make it, if we ever thought we did.
- If it won’t matter in five years, should it matter now? Instead of grasping and controlling, learn to release and receive. Honking the horn at others is useless effort. They can just honk back. Do we really want to be a grumpy old person?
- If it will matter in five years, then shouldn’t we act now? Think climate change as a model for all decisions. What we do will make a difference. Let’s leave a legacy of good works and stop running on autopilot.
- Do we still have friends who trust us? Character building never really ends. And it matters more than we tend to assume: Harvard’s decades-long study of adult development keeps arriving at the same conclusion, that the quality of our relationships in midlife predicts how well we age better than genetics does.
- Can we laugh at ourselves—both at our weaknesses and at our strengths? Can we appreciate the humor of our grandkids and the truth often embedded in that humor, even if it is at our expense?
- Are we wise enough to know a tomato is a fruit that doesn’t belong in a fruit salad and that eating popcorn is a good source of fiber? The choices we make are big if we keep them simply little.
- Do we fear less and love more, regret less and dream about what can be, be kind instead of being right, and sing “Amazing Grace” when it is most needed? In other words, are we the person our dog thinks we are?
Does the Golden Rule…rule? Isn’t that what taking an inventory is all about at any age?
The next time a friend tells me I haven’t changed, I’ll take it as the compliment she means. And then I’ll go home and check the list.
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