You might not know it, but a mysterious unconscious agenda is operating beneath the surface of your relationship. You are attracted to someone for reasons beyond what your mind can comprehend. If we consider relationships a driver of spiritual and psychological growth, we can let go of fear and experience fulfillment no matter what happens to the relationship. Reflecting on past and current relationships can lead to insights about finding a more profound sense of purpose in the next phase of your life.
But how do you begin such reflection? Focus on these three concepts:
purpose
projection
permanence
These three words capture every aspect of human relationships but play out more dramatically in romantic ones. If a couple can reflect upon their relationship through this framework, no matter what happens, there will be growth, fulfillment, and meaning.
Purpose
We often don’t discover the deeper meaning of a relationship until it has ended. My marriage started falling apart after 20 years (long story). I didn’t realize that I had an unconscious need for my husband to rescue me from the chaos of my previous sexual and relationship experiences. My marriage ultimately ended. Still, instead of judging myself or invalidating those years I had spent with the man I no longer loved in the same way, I explored how I had grown. Bravely embracing the chaos of reconstructing my life led to a new sense of purpose, independence, and expressing myself creatively.
Ask yourself, “What other, deeper reason am I in this relationship for?”
Projection
We see the world through our own lens, often reinforcing our perspective rather than expanding it. Attraction is mysterious and frequently misunderstood. You’re attracted to people who embody traits your unconscious wants you to explore and develop in yourself. This might naturally occur, but in most cases, people feel relief at finding their “better half” to fill the gap in themselves.
For example, a woman seeking security may idealize a successful partner, projecting her potential financial independence onto him. Over time, he may feel used, she may feel trapped, and desire may fade as they fall into parental roles. Similarly, a man drawn to an independent woman may unconsciously expect her to conform to traditional roles, leading to resentment. Decades later, she may feel betrayed, while he becomes intrigued by women who embody the independence he once unconsciously feared.
Ask yourself, “What does my unconscious still want me to explore and develop in myself?”
Permanence
Finally, the more you cling to the need for a relationship to be permanent, the less satisfying and lasting it may be. While we may prefer a guarantee, “needing” anything stems from fear, for example, of loneliness, which is never a strong foundation.
Jumping into a new relationship without reflection often leads to an intense honeymoon phase. Then, the first red flag appears – a familiar but disturbing dynamic. The new partner is nothing like your ex, so you feel confused. You question yourself, saying it’s in your imagination or no big deal. Worse, you think you’re overreacting, and instead of trusting your intuition and being honest with your new partner, you begin to adapt, conform, and compromise in the wrong way.
That red flag is an opportunity to sort out what is being projected between you. Being honest increases the likelihood that the relationship will last. On the other hand, if you did make a mistake, pat yourself on the back for being quicker this time. Learning the proper lesson prepares you for a better relationship.
Ask yourself, “Am I completely honest in my relationship? If not, what am I afraid will happen if I am honest?”
The power of self-reflection
True peace comes from realizing that you and your true self meet your needs, freeing your partner from that burden. This allows both of you to relate as increasingly whole individuals and enjoy the journey together — whatever the outcome.
