So, what exactly is a mentor? It’s a fancy term, but at its core, it’s pretty simple: someone who has experience and is trusted to offer guidance. When I participated in IBM’s mentoring training years ago, they defined it this way. And honestly, back then, I thought being a mentor was merely about listening and giving advice. Oh, how wrong I was!

What I’ve learned about mentoring that still guides me today

Fast forward 30 years, and I’ve had the chance to really dig into those mentoring skills, tweaking and refining them along the way. The funny thing is, even after retiring, mentoring didn’t change for me. If anything, I had more time to give and could be more selective about whom I mentored. But the core principles? Those stayed the same. 

Here are my top 3 mentoring tips:

1. Understand your role and responsibility.

What is the most essential skill for being a good mentor? Active listening. Sounds simple enough, right? But let me tell you — it’s not something that comes naturally to everyone. Most of us have to work at it. But here’s the thing: really listening, fully tuning in, shows empathy. And empathy leads to understanding. And understanding? That’s how you achieve those deep, meaningful conversations that make a real impact.

I remember one of my mentees came to me once with a problem she thought she had already solved. She just wanted me to confirm it. Should she stick with her music career while keeping her job as a data analyst? She thought she could juggle both but wasn’t sure.

As I listened, I noticed her voice lit up when she talked about music—she was passionate and animated. But when she spoke about her analyst job? There was no hint of excitement. That was my moment of clarity. She wasn’t looking for advice on whether it was possible to do both. What she wanted was a push.

Mentors aren’t there to solve problems; we’re here to help the mentee figure out their own path. So, I started by asking her about her feelings, not just the facts. I wanted her to dig deeper into what was holding her back. Sure enough, she figured it out — three years later, I was sitting in an auditorium watching her open for a famous jazz musician. She had taken the leap, quit her job, and was living her dream. That was her decision.

So, here’s the takeaway: Mentoring is all about active listening, supporting the mentee’s journey, and helping them build the confidence to follow their path.

2. Set clear expectations.

Here’s something I’ve learned the hard way: Mentees sometimes come into the relationship thinking the mentor will get them a promotion, introduce them to the right people, or open doors to opportunities. And, yes, those things can happen — but only if expectations are clear from the start.

You need to be upfront about what the mentoring relationship is. How often will you meet? What will you talk about? What topics are off-limits? How will the mentee be held accountable for agreed-upon actions? Laying all this out early on creates a solid foundation for success.

One mentee asked me, “What do I do now?” She was ready for a promotion to the executive level, but she’d only been in her role for a year. She wanted a director position yesterday. So, we had an honest conversation about how promotions worked in her organization — how executive roles weren’t just about the correct skill set but also involved managing large teams or strategic missions. It wasn’t the quick fix she hoped for, but after we clarified the facts, we put together an action plan.

Two years later, she was promoted because we adjusted expectations, got real about the timeline, and focused on gaining the right experience.

3. Know your mentee’s needs.

Mentees don’t come in one size fits all. Some need career advice, others need confidence boosts, and others need a sounding board. A good mentor understands what their mentee needs.

I learned this the hard way while mentoring a woman in India. She had just moved to Australia and was working a grueling retail job to make ends meet while trying to find something in her field. Our early conversations were unproductive. It wasn’t until she shared the full scope of her situation — working 12-hour days, six days a week — that I realized how difficult it was for her to even think about job hunting.

So, I changed my approach. Instead of pushing her on job-search strategies, I encouraged her to be kind to herself. Then, I connected her with someone on my team who had made a similar move from India to Australia. Sometimes, the best advice comes not from you but from someone who has walked the same path.

At the end of the day, there’s no substitute for empathy. Truly understanding where your mentee is coming from allows them to reflect on their own experiences and makes it easier for them to accept feedback.

The big takeaway: mentoring is also good for mentors

Mentoring isn’t just a way for retirees to give back—it’s a two-way street. For me, mentoring has been a means to stay connected to what’s happening in the world. Technology, new trends, cultural shifts — they’re all part of the mentoring experience. With tools like video conferencing, mentoring can occur anywhere, creating opportunities to learn about people and places around the globe.