The concept of giving and receiving has evolved for me over the years, shaping my views on generosity, balance, and personal growth. Through different stages of life, I’ve learned that giving and receiving are essential for building meaningful connections and fostering a deeper understanding of ourselves and others.
The early years
As a kid, I was taught that “to give was better than to receive,” but that idea often landed with a thud. Holidays and birthdays were all about receiving—whether it was the latest Schwinn three-speed bike or another exciting gift. I didn’t give much thought to the deeper meaning of giving. I was too young to read Ralph Waldo Emerson’s essay on gifts, which explains that “rings and jewels are not gifts, but apologies for gifts” and that a gift is more about the intangible force behind it. As he put it, to truly give, “thou must bleed for me.” Back then, I just liked riding my bike rather than contemplating the weight of giving. If, as Emerson said, “the only gift is a portion of thyself,” my mom seemed happy enough with my handmade Mother’s Day card, and I certainly wasn’t complaining.
Midlife reflections on generosity and connection
Growth doesn’t stop at the larva stage. As we outgrow our bikes, we rethink the giving-and-receiving dynamic. As I got older, I found satisfaction in offering a listening ear to someone in need or making chili for a new mom. I wasn’t sacrificing as much as Emerson’s idea of “bleeding for others,” but I wasn’t just sending an impersonal gift from Amazon. Sure, I sometimes exchanged pleasantries out of obligation, but wasn’t I also creating a deeper connection between giver and receiver that went beyond a simple quid pro quo?
Especially during midlife, I felt unbalanced at times between giving and receiving. When I took time to listen to others, be present, and build a connection—sometimes even at the cost of my plans—I questioned my true motivation. I may have felt good about comforting someone, but was that feeling more about fulfilling my emotional needs than doing something genuinely selfless?
The dopamine boost in my brain triggered feelings of pleasure, reward, and social connection. But was I genuinely sacrificing for someone else, as Emerson suggested? Or, deep down, was I hoping to be praised for my gift? Was I giving for the right reasons or just chasing a feel-good dopamine hit?
Receiving and vulnerability: The other side of the coin
The roles reversed during those same years, and I became the receiver. Yet, questions still lingered. Now, I was at the mercy of someone else—what was their motivation behind this exchange? Did they genuinely want a relationship with me? I often felt vulnerable, uncomfortable, or embarrassed when someone offered help because I wanted to be self-sufficient. “No thanks, I’m fine. I’ll manage.” Even when given a simple compliment, I instinctively disagreed and brushed it off.
Maybe deep down, I feared the expectations of a reciprocal relationship. Even though I now accepted gifts like rings and other jewels and returned them in kind, I questioned the idea of reciprocity. Does giving and receiving have to mean that dinner at your house equals dinner at mine later? Is that really what it’s all about?
Finding balance and meaning in giving and receiving
I may be overthinking the relationships built around giving and receiving, especially since I no longer need to justify my actions. Sometimes, I’d rather eat out than cook because it takes more energy than I want to give. If what I do benefits others and feels right to me, there’s no need to overanalyze it. Developing empathy and compassion naturally comes from balancing giving and receiving, and that’s enough.
The beauty of growth is that nothing stays the same. All that matters is being who you need to be in the moment. Remember, everyone has their own story. You can either add to it or take away from their shared truths. You can choose to support their journey or create obstacles. You can affirm their self-belief or diminish it.
Embracing the evolution of giving and receiving
One thing is clear: when you gracefully accept someone’s gift, you acknowledge their right to give. And when you give with kindness, you affirm the other person’s right to receive. Our dignity and sense of purpose don’t depend on exchanging something in return. What matters is that we give a part of ourselves with humility and allow others to do the same.
