Sex is not only a pleasurable experience that can add years to your life, but it can also add life to your years. Science and medicine have long chronicled the many benefits of touch and orgasms that help keep us healthy and happy at any age.
But I am also a realist who understands, and knows firsthand, that at our age sex might not always be happening. I was married to my third husband (yes, third) for 25 years. Al survived prostate cancer and in his own words, “Honey, they fried me,” meaning he could no longer perform sexually. So, sex was off the table for many years. Our marriage, however, was always based on mutual respect, and our partnership grew deeper and stronger in other ways.
That foundation helped me care for Al when he was later diagnosed with lung cancer. I cared for him day and night, gladly putting my own needs and desires aside for his comfort, as many devoted caregivers do. We treasured every minute we had together. It was my honor to be his wife and his caregiver. He was a brilliant man with a tremendous heart. I was blessed.
But then it was over. And I was alone. With a strong desire for love again.
What I learned about widow’s fire
I have come to realize that we are full, vibrant sexual beings who still want and need connection. I can testify that the intense desire for sex following the death of a partner is real. Thanks to a Google search, I learned it has a name: Widow’s Fire. Being the social person I am, I began talking to other women who had lost their husbands and was amazed by how many had been through the same experience.
After years of having sex absent from my life due to circumstances I would not change for the world, I am proud to say that at 82 I am experiencing a sexual renaissance. I was not actively looking for love again, although Al often told me before he passed that he wanted me to find love when he was gone. I remember him saying, “You will need to find another partner.”
And then along came Bob
With Al’s blessing and that Widow’s Fire burning inside, I knew I wanted to find an intimate partner again. And along came Bob. We were both 80 when we met, only two and a half months after Al passed. And martinis may have been involved!
When it became clear to my adult children that Bob and I were a couple, they were aghast. “Mom, it’s too soon! You’re disrespecting Dad’s memory!” Fortunately, I have not lived more than 80 years to allow anyone, even my children, to tell me how to live my life. Over time, my family began to come around. They saw how kind Bob was to me and how happy I was with him, which tempered their judgment and made them more accepting of him and of us.
When I met Bob, he had two divorces behind him and after 40 years on his own, he had given up on finding love again. We were both thrilled to have found each other and delighted to rediscover passion in the bedroom.
I laugh when I think of our first intimate encounter. Bob took what he thought was a little blue pill and we enjoyed what I can only describe as amazing sex. The next morning, he realized he had taken a baby aspirin.
My advice? Just get there
I fully endorse whatever helps you get there: your openness, technology, or the wide selection of adult toys. Just get there, if you can. Because I know that sometimes sex cannot happen for medical or emotional reasons, and that is okay too. But if it can happen and you are not doing it because you think you’re too old, stop it. There is no such thing. Strip off, stand naked in front of the mirror, look at yourself, and give yourself a pep talk. Then go do it!
As for our future, Bob and I are having a wonderful time together. We are determined to stay active in the bedroom and our lives into our 90s and hopefully beyond. No one has a crystal ball, but for today we are getting plenty of practice.
At a recent speaking engagement where I discussed my personal journey and rediscovering a passionate sex life later in life, several men thanked me for speaking so candidly about Widow’s Fire and the intimate parts of my story. I continue to be amazed by how many men and women share that my story resonates deeply with them.
Talking about sex never gets old, and neither do we!
