At a recent dinner, I was seated beside a woman in her late 40s. After brief introductions, the woman began to ask polite questions about my latest book. Soon, though, her questions shifted to her true intent: How should she navigate this unfamiliar role as a caregiver for her aging parent?
By the time we finished our salads, the woman had shed tears as she vented her frustration balancing the demands of being a school administrator, wife, mother, and friend with being an attentive adult daughter of a 78-year-old father. Once a robust, successful entrepreneur, her dad was now dealing with chronic health issues. His quick wit and fierce independence had transformed into prickly sarcasm and stubborn pride.
More intent on talking than eating, the woman shared her mixed-up feelings of guilt and resentment, along with an abiding love for her father. She repeatedly mentioned how ill-equipped she felt in this new role as she peppered me with questions. What do I do when he refuses help because he sees it as an invasion of his privacy? How do I convince him that I care about him even though I can’t drive him to every medical appointment? How can I be there for him when I am almost two hours away?
There came a moment when she exposed her deepest vulnerability. “It’s like when I was a child and didn’t get a straight A report card. I felt like I had failed him. Now I’m grown, and I’m disappointing him again. I don’t know how to be there for him while trying to live my own busy life. I get angry when he seems unreasonable, yet I love him dearly. In my job, I oversee hundreds of educators, but when it comes to caring for my aging father, I just don’t know what to do.”
More and more adult children are taking on caregiving.
Regrettably, this woman’s dilemma is not uncommon. Feeling unprepared to be a caregiver for an aging parent is something that echoes through countless conversations I have had with adult children. It’s not surprising that with little or no training in eldercare, they feel ill-equipped when suddenly thrust into the trenches by their aging parents’ changing circumstances.
To best prepare both generations to walk alongside one another on the aging journey, we must return to the basics: the art of communication. Without healthy communication between adult children and aging parents, the hard transitions of aging will only become more stressful.
Effective communication strategies to make caregiving easier.
1. Recognize that the relationship between adult children and aging parents is understood best as a role shift, not a role reversal.
To think of an aging parent as a child is to rob them of dignity and respect at a time when they most desperately need them. Ask yourself this question: What 5-year-old child has built a business or raised a family? Talking to an aging parent as if they are a child erodes their self-esteem and causes them to become more resistant to suggestions, even if they are beneficial and legitimate.
Instead, embrace the idea of a role shift in which the adult child fulfills more responsibilities for the aging parent, not as an administrator but as a care partner. Partnership infers working together as a team. Lead with a we statement or question. What should we do when I can’t take you to your medical appointment because of my job? Instead of trying to manage or fix their problems, care partnering invites equal input from both generations.
2. Ask your aging parents what they want most for their later years and what their greatest fears are about growing older.
Then, respectfully listen. If they respond that they want to be as independent as possible, use their answer to prompt further questions about what independence might look like if safety becomes an issue.
Healthy communication demands an atmosphere of trust. If an aging parent feels their adult child is spying on them instead of visiting them, they will hide essential truths about their circumstances. Resist the constant urge to point out what they should do. Remember the adage that the best way to help someone embrace a new way of thinking is to plant a seed, then walk away and let it grow.
3. Learn to stand in the shoes of the other generation.
Imagine the fear, anxiety, and grief an aging parent experiences when it seems they are losing everything they hold dear—people, places, things, independence, health, etc. Tenderly tell them how hard it must be to leave their home or give up the keys to the car. Thank them when they selflessly do a hard thing for their well-being, and always include them in conversations.
Aging parents should likewise put themselves in the shoes of their adult children, who feel overwhelmed by the unrelenting pressure of careers and families. Tell them how much you appreciate them taking the time to fix a computer glitch or to bring homemade soup. Offer to take your adult child out for lunch if they drive you to a doctor’s appointment. Instead of dropping critical comments about their lifestyle choices or parenting skills, try compliments.
The truth is that neither aging parents nor adult children are fully prepared for the caregiving journey. Navigating the later years together requires teamwork and a hefty dose of grace. However, showing empathy to one another and implementing healthy communication strategies will help you dodge the biggest potholes and find joy in the journey.
